I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
