I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
