You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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