seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
