Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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