so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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