Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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