Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
