I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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