No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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