So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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