My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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