I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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