yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
