All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize