New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I supernannyed him into submission
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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