i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
