I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
