one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Can you bring me the toilet please
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
