I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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