He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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