My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
