last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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