I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
