and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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