I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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