how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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