Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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