he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
40s are totally the cure
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
