I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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