This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
