I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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