i jhust puked up my retainher.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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