I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
