I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
