I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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