I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
