Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
