I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
