Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
