I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
