if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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