just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize