Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
