Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
