I accidentally burped into my bong.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
