sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
please come you make the beer taste better
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
