11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
