This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
