I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
