I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
