'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
