I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
