God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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