Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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