i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
