I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize