I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
