when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
