Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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