I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
we're so committed to being not committed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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