She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
