After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
