just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
