Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
