I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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