I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
